I have been married four years now, no children. My husband is the first and only man I have ever been with. I feel like I am a very sexual person but I don’t want my husband. He is predictable and boring, he doesn’t like to try anything out of the ordinary positions and I never get the O during sex. It starts out okay sometimes but then I get bored and basically just wait till its over. I have tried talking to him but he says its just in my head and I need to sort through it. He is always ready but I just consider it a hassle anymore. It’s no fun for me. I start to think that I’m missing out on what else is out there especially when other guys give me attention. I love my husband so much, I trust him completely and we have great communication but I can’t get over this sex thing. I want one enjoyable sex experience in my life! I feel it would be selfish to leave a good thing for this and now he wants kids, I don’t know what to do…
You are in luck. The components of attraction which your husband already possesses are the ones which are difficult or impossible to change (good looking, endowed), and the part which is missing is the easiest to change. You also have something very important working in your favor; you haven’t been with other men than him, so maintaining attraction and a strong bond with him will be much easier. What is missing is something subtle but essential on the psychological side. Men are mostly attracted to the visual, but women are more attracted to personality and social dominance. We need to teach your husband some charisma so you can have the kind of marriage all of your girlfriends are jealous of.
Men are taught that what their wives want is a husband who will dutifully follow their lead. Sadly, this is exactly the opposite of what wives need to feel sexual attraction for their husbands. One quick and surprisingly effective way to turn this around (at least for the evening) is to participate in something like ballroom dancing where he is physically leading you. Even feminist women report that dancing like this with their husbands really turns them on. However, ballroom dancing may not be his style (it isn’t mine) and it isn’t practical to go out dancing every night. Fortunately there are other ways to achieve the results you are looking for, and the changes needed to make a big difference can be quite subtle.
I’ve explained the basics of attraction for husbands in an article I wrote titled “Romance 101: How to stop frustrating your wife.” Google or Bing will take you right there if you search on the title. A more complete resource would be the book “Married Man Sex Life” written by Athol Kay. His book is targeted at much more difficult cases than what you describe, but this is a good thing from your perspective. Athol also has a blog (which is free), but the book has the advantage of starting from the beginning and explaining everything while blogs can feel like coming in on the middle of a conversation.
As for divorcing him and finding another man, I wouldn’t suggest this. The problems with this plan are multiple. Despite the common misconception, all women are attracted to the same basic traits in men. Only a small number of men meet the three key criteria for a husband:
1) Wants to marry.
2) Is sexually attractive.
3) Is hard working and stable (would make a good dad).
If you stick around the Marriage and Divorce section for a while you will notice how many women are frustrated at finding men who meet one or two of the above criteria, but never all three at once. This is especially true for divorcées and/or single mothers. The men who are hitting on you meet criteria #2, but not 1 & 3. Otherwise some other woman would have already locked them down. Likewise, had you not snapped up your husband when you did another woman undoubtedly would have done so before long. We are in the middle of a sea change regarding marriage in the US, and large numbers of women are suddenly finding they waited too long to marry*. Fixing the marriage you already have is your best chance to have a happy marriage, and this is confirmed by science (link to study below).
If you weren’t committed to marriage for life (as you clearly are) I would suggest that you cut him free before you have any children. A woman going back on the dating market will do much better without the large disadvantage of being a single mother, and children deserve the advantage of growing up in an intact home with their father. I write this not for you but for other women who may find this later from searching on the same question.
But as I wrote above there is no reason to divorce, and you are rightly committed to your marriage. You just need to make a small change and your girlfriends are going to be begging you to tell them your secret. Whether you choose to tell them or not will of course be up to you.
Good luck!
*For stats on women having trouble marrying, search for “More grim news for carousellers hoping to jump at the last minute.”
You said it. You can have the greatest tool on earth but if you don’t know how to use it might as well get a broom. You are craving what you don’t have in the bedroom and I hate to tell you this, but eventually you are going to get tired of the situation and you will end up cheating on him. I understand you completely. Been there myself. They only suggestion I can make is that you keep trying to talk to him and experiment new things.. let him know how bored you are and let him know that you do not want to end up cheating on him because he cannot satisfy you.
Love and sex are 2 very different things and society has told us that they are the same or we need to treat them as the same. Chances are you will always feel the same way toward him. And he is right it is in your head since all of sex is there. A suggestion few people take and fewer people deal with well, find a good swingers club. You will be welcomed with open arms. If he wants to go he may discover many new things. Find a club with an orientation, go and ask questions, they have heard them all since they asked the same questions at one time. It works for some, not for others. Good luck.
Let him know how you feel about him, that you find him attractive and love him — and that you want to try sex counseling (if you do?). There is such a thing, and it can be helpful. Maybe he’s no open to doing things out of the ordinary because he is self-conscious, feels guilty for some odd reason, etc.
Sex counseling is one way to help us open up to our own sexuality and relax!!
As much as people don’t want to admit it, sex is an important part of marriage. The point of marriage is to join two people together to create one (in body and soul) and create one (a child). If it’s not enjoyable, I recommend you guys see a marriage counselor.
it looks like he has no idea that women also have to have orgasm, let him have a foreplay with you until you are cooked up and ready to have orgasm and then only allow him to put it inside you.
Nicole… you need to jump start him by introducing him to his alter ego. You both need to get a little creative and try some new positions. You know that’s what you want.
in a marriage there are two people and two minds, and not only one have to get Always right or on her or his way, its giving also
spice it up whats his Fantasy and do it u can masterbate before he comes home and go for it.
vibrator ?