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Did I let the ugliness inside me, cause me to fail/struggle?
I have been struggling for over 25 years to take care of the family my kids father stated he didn’t want. I am a firm discipliner, responsible and hardworking mother. I usually bounce back from things, but im 40 now and am feeling tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. i am sensitive. my family only support my ideas when they think i have money. no one comes to see me. even tho i denied it, a lot of people are jealous of me. i went from being on the streets due to verbal and physical abuse from my dad and my kids father to the shelter, to the hood and now to a beautiful lakefront home. i tried to show my kids that i care and never left them. now they have left me and hold grudges against me for spanking them when needed as a last alternative. i have lost my hair a couple of times, gone to the hospital from being short winded and have collapsed from stress. two of my kids watched in joy to see me having a nervous breakdown. then they turn around and want to be nice to me until i disagree with them about something. i don’t know my niche. i have kept a nice place for me and my family and have taught my kids how to work and earn money, clean, wash, iron, lots of things. does God hear me? i need a financial blessing so that i don’t have to worry about how im going to survive when my youngest is gone. i spend a lot of time with my kids and family. yet they show me that they don’t need me around. they say they enjoy life without me. they make me feel worthless and hate myself. therefore, it attracts people who in turn hate me too. i need a new perception on life. tired of being rejected and hurt then the same ones call me when they want a favor. i don’t know what love is. that song called how to love by lil wayne is so me right now. i want to enjoy my life while i still have my health and strength. and still want to be with my family even tho they don’t want me. tired of working for people who fire me at the drop of a dime. i feel fatigue and depressed. my dad said not to feel sorry for myself. i am trying to understand what that means and if i am doing that so that i can hurry up and change. i was beaten up by a guy and went to my dad and all he did was talked about his problems and didn’t even look at me to see that my face was swollen and blood over me. im afraid to be intimate anymore because the experiences have been ugly. after my son grows up and leaves, i don’t know what is next for me. i need a life and to be around people that enjoy seeing me happy. even that would scare me, but i would like to know what that feels like. i admit i can be verbally rude and sarcastic sometimes. yet im told by the same ones that dislike me that i didnt do anything wrong and i am a good person. i have terrible anxiety and just stay to myself now. did i let the ugliness inside me cause me to fail/struggle?