The Assassin crept softly and slowly along the stone brick pavement until he found his destination. Even with the darkness of the night sky and the countless amounts of Askarv guards patrolling the streets it was practically child’s play for him to find exactly what he was looking for. The Assassin had been watching his target in secret for days and observing his every movement every second of the day; it was absolutely vital for this to take place so as to make sure the contract the Assassin had been issued was indeed valid and suitable to execute. As the contract issued the target would take random citizens from around the town (mostly looking like beggars and whores) and then take them back into his home in which they would not been seen again. The guards had picked up on his continuous guests not but yesterday somehow and the Assassin watched cautiously from a distance, unfortunately for him however, they came out with nothing and left without so much as a backwards glance. The word went around that the target had told the guards the guests had left in a hurry and that they were merely only friends of his. The Assassin knew this was in fact a lie as he had had keep constant surveillance over the house without so much as a wink of sleep and seen no one leave the house apart from the target to of course pick up more of his *friends*. Based on that information, it was time to act.
Shrouded by shadow, the Assassin stepped up to the wooden doorframe of the targets house and searched around in his black leather chaps for a lock pick. He swiftly plucked one from within the many other objects and moved forwards to insert the device into the locking mechanism. With a few seconds works and a few gentle clicks the cylinders inside the mechanism sprung up and the lock opened; he took no time in waiting and gently opened the door, stepping out of the cold darkness, and into the stranger’s house.
The Assassin gently shut the door, trying making as little noise as possible before turning around to take in his surroundings. The house contained a large living room with a giant golden oak table set down in the middle of it, they were also a pair of marble staircases at opposite sides of the room; the closest leading to the landing upstairs and the furthest leading down into what the Assassin assumed was the cellar. Thanks to the small amount of moonlight shining through the small square windows and the months of training that had attuned the Assassins eyes to the darkness, he could see almost perfectly.
A number of purple coloured bottles and ale bottles lay tipped over on the golden oak table, drained of any substance that were once inside. The Assassin recognised the purple bottles immediately for exactly what they were; bottles of a dangerous substance called Vaqinsh. It was strange liquor made from a rare weed only found in the realm of Rasheeth and caused dazzling effects to the consumer. The drinker would feel immense happiness and comfort upon drinking but after time angry and disoriented. Abusing the drink could cause the negative effects to get even worse and cause brain deformity and even madness. The substance was banned a while back because of these effects but somehow still managed to make its way onto the black market, the target must have had contacts. They was nothing else too unusual about the room apart from a bloody meat cleaver and a little brown sack on the wooden bench at the far end of the room; the Assassin hoped with all his might that the cleaver hadn’t been used on a human being. The Assassin walked over and picked up the little brown sack, it was rather heavy and jingled when it was shaken. Upon further inquiry it appeared the sack contained a large amount of large amount of gold coins, the man had to have been a rich bastard to simply leave a sack of gold coins lying around. The Assassin pocketed the sack of coins and quietly tip toed up the marble staircase and up onto the landing. The landing was incredibly dark even for the Assassins attuned eyesight as they were no windows for the moonlight to shine through. The landing contained a remotely smaller marble staircase that lead up to a wooden hatch in the celling. The target must have indeed been infatuated with the black market trading as only the incredibly wealthy were able to afford such construction. The landing also contained another doorway that was more than likely the entrance to targets bedroom. The Assassin took in a giant breath and stepped towards the doorway, if the Target was indeed asleep then he would have to kill him as quick as possible, the Assassin had never been caught before, and he wasn’t planning on getting caught now. Placing one hand on the doorframe and one around his sharp dagger, the Assassin pushed open the wooden doorframe and stepped inside the dark room.
Sorry for the length, also i am only 15 so my bad if it doesn’t seem well written or the grammar is wrong, best answer to the most helpful per
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Does My Story Interest You Enough To Carry On Reading?
Posted on August 22, 2012.
No.
Me personally, no. But that should mean very little to you in the first place. This is your writing project. Finish it because you have an interest in it, not because we have an interest in it. That’s what writing is all about. It shouldn’t be about finding fame or fortune. It’s about creating something you personally are proud of. That is the biggest accomplishment you can ever have. In the end, people may like it and they may not.
So, all that to say some assassin is going to kill someone and you never even got to who, when, or why? Nope. You never gave us any reason to care one way or the other. You didn’t even let us get to know the assassin, besides he’s like every other assassin.
Helpful hint: When YOU need to apologize for the length, you already know it’s too long.
First of all. Are you a Brent Weeks fan? IT sounds similar to his Nightangel trilogy. But it is a good attempt for someone your age and you should work on it. I can see the ideas are there. Work on your spelling and grammar a bit and try and develop the idea. If you do that then I would be more than happy to read over it in the future and tell you what I think as this sounds like the sort of books I usually read.
Naw, you’re telling me too much and not showing me enough. I don’t want to be told the assassin crept across the pavement, I want to see it
“A little flash of black crept along the pavement.”
That’s not telling me there’s an assassin, but it’s obviously not telling me there’s a pigtailed school girl walking home. It’s not revealing but not too confusing.
But this is just my opinion, so don’t let me get you down.
Your descriptive powers are not too bad at all but there are one or two things you should look at with a view to changing. I know this site doesn’t allow paragraphs but you need to split the second block of text. You have used a word twice too close to each other e.g. “purple coloured bottles and ale bottles” look to taking one of the ‘bottles’ out even if it means rewording the sentence. Also you write “onto the landing, then The landing was dark and The landing contained etc”. Try making it one descriptive sentence e.g. “up onto the dark windowless landing at one end of which there was a small marble staircase that led to a wooden hatch etc.” The most important thing though is ‘The Assassin.’ It doesn’t draw a picture and you use the term far too often. We don’t know if it is a man or woman although that could be part of the mystery of the story – we don’t know who he/she is after or why. The Assassin could be all sorts of things to describe him/her better such as a silent shadow, a stealthy figure or even a name or the word he/she but cut down on the use of the term Assassin. Also it is unlikely that someone would pocket a sack of gold coins because of their weight and if there were that many would they be out of the safe. I like it but keep working on it. Good luck with your story.