What can I do? I have a brother (asian) whom self-imposed isolation is negatively impacting his relationship with family members. He’s 30 years old and he’s extremely nervous around people. He would not leave the house. He would leave about 3 times a year; these are special occasions like a family member wedding or to pick up his uncle from the airport. He spends the majority of his waking hours on the computers.
He used to attend grads school (computer science), but I don’t know why he quit. When asked, he said that people posted on the internet saying that all the jobs in computer science are moving to India and so that is his reason for quitting, even though he has 1 or 2 classes left. Other occasion, he would say that the job markets are scarce and there is no point in graduating now. One rare occasion, he mentioned that his professor is taking advantage of him by making him do work for him with no pay. There is no sign that he would return to finish his Master.
This past 2 years he has picked up playing stocks and internet security, and it has turned him into a security nut. He received funding from his 2 sisters, father, and uncle. Every time he loses money in stocks, he would blame it on the neighbors hacking into his system and stealing his secrets.
My uncle would ask him how the stocks are doing and every single time he would brush the question off by saying he’s fixing the computer. He has been using this excuse to avoid questions from my uncle for the past 6 months. I sense my uncle disapproval of his answers, but he doesn’t confront my brother about it. He is saving face to preserve the relationship between families. Even when my dad and sisters ask him how the stocks are doing he would say something like the system is down and he can’t check it right now. Or the computer has a virus and he can’t log on. He never answers their questions. He would make various excuses to postpone the answers in hoping that people would forget about it.
He asked his sister for $2,300 so he can build a new computer for my dad to play Chinese chess online. I know the computer he built could not have been worth 2,300. I bought a similar setup from amazon for under $1,000. He has to have money left over, but he doesn’t give the money back to my sister. I mentioned this to my sister and she made no effort in confronting him about this b/c every time we do he would react violently, slamming his fist on the table, and insulting, calling her stupid and bringing up past errors that she made years ago. After several weeks, he bought a PlayStation 3 plus various games, diablo 3 and etc… He doesn’t have a job, and can’t afford these luxuries. Furthermore, he would lock up the computer, preventing my dad from using it. Every time my dad wants to use it, he has to ask my brother to enter the password b/c my brother would not trust my dad with it. He has distrust towards people in general.
He thinks the neighbors are spying on him. Every time there is a car parked in front of our house, he would think people are stalking him. He would tape foil-paper around the house. Lock the internet and computers so other people can’t use it, and changing the lock on our doors. He is obsessed with the actions of our neighbors. For example, if our neighbor has a ladder set up somewhere, he would assume they are planning to tap his phone line.
He would nag and disapprove of us picking up the phone when it rings. He says people who are calling are trying to hack into the phone line. People would leave message on our phone, from it I found out that these people who are calling are debt collectors and they are looking for him (they mentioned his name in the message). When I asked him about this, he just tells me “don’t pick up the phone” and avoids my question. He went and unplugged the phone, without my knowledge. Every time I plug it back in, a couple of hours later, the phone would be unplugged. He claims it’s for security. I just hope that he didn’t borrow money to play stocks.
What can I do? He is hard to approach or begin a conversation with. He becomes very offensive when confronted. Attacking me or the person he is talking to by bringing up past mistakes. Calling us stupid, refusing to answer our questions, and goes into his room and slam the door on us. I feel like he is keeping a lot of secrets from us.
What do you do in this situation?