Please help me to point out the positives and negatives of my essay. Be honest and harsh if necessary.
The ____’s are places where I am still trying to come up with something to say.
I’m still concerned about these things:
– Grammar
– Fluidity
– Content
– How it transitions from the first to second paragraph seems funky
– How to effectively continue – the main purpose is supposed to be the challenges of being an entrepreneur at 16
and just my transitions in general…
Ever since my childhood, I have always been passionate about art, in all of its versatile and varying forms. From the days I spent teaching myself how to braid hair at the age of five so that I could practice creative hairstyles on my grandmother, to the hours I spent awestruck in front of a glowing computer screen designing birthday cards for my friends in elementary school, this certain passion of mine had grown immensely at such a young age. However, like all the other children at that time, I dreamt of becoming something extraordinary, like an astronaut, an archaeologist, or a part of the FBI. It wasn’t until the very beginning of my teenage years that I realized that the only thing that had been with me throughout my entire life was art. Amidst all of my peaks and valleys, it had always been there in the forefront of my life. So I pursued it.
By the time I was twelve, I found my true calling, my niche in the art world. Graphic design. It was the perfect combination of my love for all mediums of art and my growing appreciation for computers and the digital age.
During the summer between my junior and senior years of high school, I combined my ever prevalent passion for art, my inordinate thirst for knowledge, and my intensifying curiosity of “the real world”. I became an entrepreneur at the age of sixteen.
Sixteen was a ____ time of my life. It was a time where I _____. At sixteen, I learned how to drive. At sixteen, I became the editor of my high school’s yearbook. At sixteen, I started my own graphic and web design business, Beauxlent. At sixteen, I turned this challenge into an opportunity.
Oh this isn’t the full essay so that last paragraph isn’t the actual last one
I’m only about halfway done
Categorized | Affiliate Marketing 101
Please Critique And Revise My College Essay? I’m Really Nervous About It =/?
Posted on November 26, 2011.
Not bad – it’s very nice and clear. You have some trouble with LOOOOONG sentences, and I’ve cut some of them down. Also think about your poor reader – readers never want to see big blocks of print – so short, punchy sentences are best – lots of paragraphs – pump lots of air into your work – make it ‘eye-friendly’. This isn’t bad, but it was a little tight.
I took out a lot of commas you didn’t need – but what do I know?
Otherwise, it’s a nice piece.
What you want to do with anything you write is to write it out and then forget about it for a bit – an hour – a day – and then go back and read it outloud to yourself. Speaking words uses a different part of your brain than reading silently… and then you can pretend that you’re now the reader and not the writer. I suppose authors do this over and over as they revise their work.
Oh – double space after each sentence.
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Ever since my childhood, I have always been passionate about art in all of its varying forms. I spent days teaching myself how to braid hair at the age of five so that I could practice creative hairstyles on my grandmother. And later, I spent hours awestruck in front of a glowing computer screen designing birthday cards for my friends in elementary school.
This artistic passion of mine had grown immensely at a young age. However, like all the other children at that time, I dreamed of becoming something extraordinary like an astronaut, an archaeologist or a part of the FBI. It wasn’t until the very beginning of my teenage years that I realized that the only thing that had been with me throughout my entire life was art. Amidst all of my peaks and valleys, it had always been there in the forefront of my life. So I pursued it.
By the time I was twelve, I found my true calling, my niche in the art world. Graphic design. It was the perfect combination of my love for all mediums of art and my growing appreciation for computers and the digital age.
During the summer between my junior and senior years of high school, I combined my passion for art, my inordinate thirst for knowledge and my intensifying curiosity of “the real world”. I became an entrepreneur at the age of sixteen.
Sixteen was a transitional time of my life. At sixteen, I learned how to drive. At sixteen, I became the editor of my high school’s yearbook. At sixteen, I started my own graphic and web design business, Beauxlent. At sixteen, I turned this challenge into an opportunity.
Sixteen was a navigation time of my life.It was a time when I explored.